“MYSELF“
Some people say revisiting is futile…
I believe it’s therapeutic…
I’ve always claimed that I am not the type of person who is influenced by what others have to say about me. I am able to maintain my independence and can shut my ears in uncomfortable situations. This was artistically shattered when I moved to the US from India to expand my experience in the field of Architecture. I had never in a million years imagined working outside of India.
Let me tell you I breathe architecture, it’s like my dad, in whom I have complete faith, who never allows me to fail. I have been in love with architecture for the past ten years. But working in the US was completely unplanned. Let’s say that unforeseen events are preferable.
It has taken me more than four months to speak pleasantly about working in the United States. I am now realizing the actual meaning of reviewing. Why I am saying this because my biggest mistake while coming here was thinking that simply knowing how to design would be sufficient. Unaware that I was entering a completely different world with different people, cultures, and languages, I ignored this reality maybe I was delusional.
And a huge tsunami slammed into me when I started realizing I was not well received here, possibly because they thought I came out too strong in terms of my opinions may be I was found rude. I’ve studied and worked to be as modest as I can my entire life and this was something shocking to me.
At this moment, I began to take myself too seriously. I entered a realm of overanalysis in which I began to wonder what other people would think of me without truly understanding what they were actually thinking. I started acting in a way that was distinctly unlike me. And as the days went on, I started to feel increasingly alone. I went from being a joyful person to someone who falsely smiled, laughed more than she should, and cried more than she would have liked to. My EQ had already begun to suffer. In essence, I was turning into my worst self.
During this time in my life, Jay Shetty’s book ‘THINK LIKE A MONK’ was introduced to me. Books are one of many things in life that might make you feel more confident in yourself. This book’s simple title, I AM WHAT I THINK I AM, just spoke to me as if I were speaking to a friend:
“It is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.”
What am I? Why was I so alone? Why did I not feel content? There were so many why’s that only I could answer. One thing that I realized why I took a pause from the hustle going on in my head, Was… I entirely lost sight of my goals—my reasons for coming to the US or, for that matter, my goals about the type of person I am or want to be. I was too preoccupied with inventing ways to be accepted. I was preoccupied with getting people to love the fake me.
I was doing everything except Architecture and that was never the aim.
Self-reflection was something that I made a conscious effort and once again I began to think like the old Mumbaiya Avani: “koi nai yaar SHURU SE SHURU KARTE HAIN.”
Without losing the core of who I am, let’s learn how to be an American girl. How to accept me and regain the perspective of my version of life…
Avani Shah 